Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?
Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.
I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.
Why do we hide all the bullshit? Life is life. Why hide it?
We have a drinking game in Australia, it's called drinking.
I like LA because it has a giant supply of great comedians.
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.
I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be when I started.
I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".
I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.
That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?
Hugs aren't like pieces of pie. Plenty of hugs to go around.
The two sides of Bernie - that's a quiet weapon that I have.
I'm not a politician, I'm a comedian. I know my limitations.
Because I grew up in McAllen, we would watch Televisa a lot.
The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?
Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
Song "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" is actually about syphilis.
In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.
I don't think you cross the line - I think you move the line.
The best way to pursue any discipline is the martial art way.
I wanted to be like Phil Donahue for the internet generation.
You always think you're better than you are in the beginning.
Monsters aren't as scary if you start shining lights on them.
Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.
My grandmother always told me how you start is how you finish.
As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.
I don't know how to do a show not in front of a live audience.
All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.
I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
Excellence in anything increases your potential in everything.
To really appreciate life you got to know you're going to die.
If you haven't peed the bed, you haven't taken enough chances.
If the world was an etch-a-sketch, glaciers are the big shake.
Being a fish out of water is tough, but that's how you evolve.
Making the 'Big Show' has been the most fun I've had on telly.
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.
I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.
I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.
Whatever you hear at the barber shop, stays at the barber shop.