Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.
Maybe people just can't cope with how jovial I am.
I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.
My sister sometimes does a Todd Barry tribute act.
I completely identify as female, believe it or not.
I spent my 30s fixing everything I broke in my 20s.
I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!
When you're gay every party is a bad sweater party.
Alone also means available for someone outstanding.
One of my favorite comedies is 'Shaun of the Dead.'
I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.
You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.
I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.
I am not looking at my TV show to change the world.
I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started.
I came from a place where there wasn't a lot of joy.
There aren't any concrete steps to becoming a comic.
The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.
Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would.
I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.
South Park called...they want their everything back.
Stand-up was like being on a Barbie townhouse stage.
Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.
The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.
Every bad decision I've made has been based on money.
I can figure out which Spice Girl I wanna impregnate.
If you keep looking backwards, you don't go anywhere.
There's a never-ending ocean of techniques out there.
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
I've got some Jewish ancestry and I don't like waste.
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
My humor had changed from foolishness to making sense.
I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
My wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!
Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me.
Occasionally a roast master needs to get out of Dodge.
God built the world, but he did not know it was round.
I never want to compromise my act just to get a laugh.
Richard Pryor had real sincere and vulnerable moments.
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.
Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.
You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
I think it is very difficult to legislate for morality.
There isn't a comedian in the world that hasn't bombed.