Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I can't build myself by beating somebody down.
I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.
I still feel thirty, except when I try to run.
I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.
I just eat half portions, do cardio every day.
You can't measure what's inside a man's heart.
It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.
I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.
Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
I loved Australia. I was very successful there
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
Like any tool [drugs] can help you or hurt you.
I wouldn't live with me, believe me. I'm moody.
So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.
There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake
Everybody has a stake in the story of policing.
Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?
I see dull people as projects ... to be reformed
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
The Universe rewards calculated risk and passion
I was thrown out of every school I ever went to.
There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake.
I went to an all-boys Catholic school in Dallas.
I can't be manic without it feeling false to me.
I love portraying the totally indifferent person.
If 'The New York Times' says it, it must be true.
There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.
If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.
I was arrested when I was 19 for inciting a riot.
I wrote for 'King of the Hill' for three seasons.
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
I've always had my wrist slapped for being myself.
Some men's magazines are just downright offensive.
You didn't wake up, your dreams just changed gear.
I would say I came from upper middle class family.
I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
I think everything contributes to your creativity.
I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.
Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
People are scared man, they're scared of the void.