Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.
Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass.
Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.
I got my big break at the Royal Variety Performance in 2006 and returned in 2008, but now to host it is such an honour and I'm unbelievably excited.
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
I want people to live to their full potential, not to hold themselves back because of insecurities, and especially not women. I see too much of that.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I'm at the top of my game.
When I first went onstage I even had a suit jacket on with the sleeves rolled up because that's what I saw on TV or at the Improv that everybody did.
I thought of America as this crazy, happy, exciting place where everybody's rich and there's stuff everywhere. Compared to Pakistan, it's not untrue.
People have their special room for Christmas. One year my mum left her present on the arm of the sofa and it was still there the following Christmas!
I feel like you can't trust a cat. I feel like a cat's got an ulterior motive. The moment you show any weakness to a cat, the cat is gonna take over.
I think, with these shows, with 'Last Week Tonight,' with 'Full Frontal,' I think, as these shows have evolved, we all have research departments now.
I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?
I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.
For some reason, comedians are still children. The social skills somehow never reach us, so we say exactly what we think without weighing the results.
The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.
I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans.
Seth MacFarlane, he's kind of an entertainment Everyman. He loves musicals, he loves joke-driven comedies, and animated stuff. He likes comedy-comedy.
I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.
I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I'm wearing.
It's not hard for me to be funny. But it's really hard. I don't think a lot of people are funny. I meet a lot of people, and most of them aren't funny.
My advice to anyone adapting a novel is that once they've read it and learnt to understand it, then they must throw it away and never look at it again!
I'm very much disciplined because I'm more mature. When I was young I just wanted to live, I could jump, I could run, I was quick and I was relentless.
Bernie Mac is relentless. That's one thing I like about him. He's not PC. He doesn't care what you think. He's going out there to please that audience.
I didn't know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up to talk to me at the Emmys. I found that gratifying.
Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.
Two brothers and a sister, my niece, my nephew... we're a very small group. We're very close, very tight-knit. We spend every holiday weekend together.
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.
I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.
I don't know about you, but I feel like my day begins by blinking my eyes open, grabbing my phone, and just pouring poison directly into my cerebellum.
Anybody who thinks there`s not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.
The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.
I left 'The Bob Newhart Show,' which was my decision. CBS wanted it to go on. But I could see television changing; I could see the tastes were changing.
When I started, I was doing all the good comedians I'd ever seen. Then I developed my own voice. My routines are my natural way of looking at the world.
My mom ending up passing away, and I got really depressed and didn't have money for therapy, and so I started doing standup to cope with my mom's death.
I'm not trying to represent the whole Latino community. There are too many different cultures, and Latinos will always say, 'My family doesn't do that.'
As a kid, I really wanted to have my own show. But when you grow up in poverty, people tell you nothing is possible. So I kind of gave up on that dream.
We don't have enough Latinos on TV just getting cast in supporting roles; the idea of having your own show named after you seemed like such a long shot.
In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.
I prefer older people to college kids [as audience] for the most part. I want people with life experience, people that understand where I'm coming from.
I never really got into game shows. The easiest one is Wheel Of Fortune because you just have to know words, and for the most part everyone knows words.
I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.
There are certain things that you can blast through a stereo. You can blast hip-hop. You can blast heavy metal. You can't blast 'All Things Considered.'