Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm kind of long in the tooth to fly in in a cape now, so I'd have to be, like, the voice of reason or somebody. 'Don't do that, super-fellow!'
Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.
I was not a cool kid. There was no reason for me to be marginalised. I was just a nerd. I was kind of weird, and I found solace in video games.
I worked every single night, not even caring if I got paid, to get myself known. Within a year I was on the Royal Variety Show and that was it.
The '50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way, and then the '60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
For me, when I think of curiosity on television, a lot of times my childhood was shaped by shows on PBS that encouraged and embraced curiosity.
Watching something is a personal experience, and I think watching something that is dealing with a heavy subject matter, it's a personal thing.
There was a sea of change in comedy in the late 1950s and '60s. We were dealing with vignettes as opposed to jokes. We were more socially aware.
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
I leave my house all the time! But I'm not at all the Hollywood parties. I'm grown, and where else am I supposed to be? I'm supposed to be home.
I was born when my dad was 50... It's weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We'd go to the movies, we're both getting discounts.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.
My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.
I am a very nerdy guy. I understand that it's easier to cast me as a nerdy guy than an action star - although I would love to be an action star!
Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
People are desperate for these breathier, longer, more in-depth conversations. And the only thing I can't provide in my show is the longer time.
One person, one vote sounds so reasonable and - dare I say it - democratic. But the voting process in America is anything but fair and balanced.
In some articles written about me, writers have said I'm a link between the old and the new, and I think, in a certain sense, that's legitimate.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.
I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. He doesn't give solicited advice.
A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing.
My girlfriend Rhonda, who's now my wife, I graduated from high school, she got pregnant. My grandfather said, 'You've got to do the right thing.'
That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you'd see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived.
I think of a lot of comedy being watched alone, for some reason. It's surprising to me that people are getting together to watch stand-up comedy.
He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.
When I'm on the road, museums end up being a place I go to in different cities that is always interesting. Museums and independent record stores.
I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
It's been one of the most important tools for me in personal growth for understanding myself, how I am, and what effect I do have on other people.
My favorite writer on 'The X-Files' is this guy Darin Morgan. He wrote my favorite episode and the top five favorite episodes that everyone loves.
I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.
I can't believe that women have got to put on so much in the morning. What time do women wake up? Man, I put a t-shirt and jeans on, and that's it.
I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.
I keep telling people I'll make movies until I'm fifty and then I'll go and do something else. I'm going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.
The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.
There are so many political talk shows out there that are doing such a good job that it would be foolish of me to try to get in the ring with them.
I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.
At 'The Daily Show,' we were satirizing a news program. You put somebody in a suit, you put 'em behind a desk, and they become an authority figure.
I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album!
I've made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I've mostly been successful.
I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.
I don't believe in gun bans; that's a fallacy that people have, that they think if you believe in gun control you want to ban guns. That's not true.