Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was off TV, people would ask me to please come back, which I think was their way of saying, 'There's nothing out there for us.'
My goal has always been to just kind of show how my family, we might be a different culture, but we're completely like everybody else.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
'Nutty Professor' was me going, 'Say what you want to say, but I can do this, and you can't, and nobody else in the town can do this.'
I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.
Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.
...you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.
I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
Crowd work has this feeling of being very temporary and of the moment, and I think that's why it sometimes gets a bad rap or a stigma.
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.
I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.
I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
I have a reward-and-punishment system: If I have done this much work, then I can play video games this long. It gives my day structure.
What am I grateful for? Aside from my own great life, you mean? I'm just grateful that my wife, and daughter, and dogs are all healthy.
If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
People who get through life dependent on other people's possessions are always the first to lecture you on how little possessions count.
People have told me, 'My dad passed on, but I have great memories of watching your shows with him.' It doesn't get any better than that.
Well... you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.
I always knew, even as a kid, that my mom had a really rough life, and I always wanted to make her feel happy and to make her feel good.
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.
I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.
I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley.
The people who could most benefit from the self-reflective ego-dissolving qualities of cannabis are the ones that want it to be illegal.
I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.
The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.
I thought, from watching TV and stuff, that America was one place. They only show you L.A. and New York. They don't warn you about Iowa.
I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.
I don't go around straightening pictures or anything like that, but I do obsess about the safety of those I love, particularly the kids.
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
So much about getting onstage is creating a connection with an audience that allows you to go different places and try different things.
I'm not a star, I hate that word, and I'm an entertainer. Stars fall, you know, I'm an entertainer. I want to be known as an entertainer.
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?
As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.
The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.
Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.
I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.
Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you're walking on a knife edge.
I need a little bass and I don't even need that crazy bass to break your face. I just want it to sound good when I have my favorite song.