Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
I can sit and write clever things, but that never quite works as well as when I'm just chatting about stupid things in the moment.
Before I went into comedy I was a loner, very much wrapped up in my own thoughts. But I always liked myself and the way I thought.
I don't go to any sexy places to eat where they give you half a lamb chop and one bean. I like going, 'Uhhh, I'm done' when I eat.
If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.
I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
I did not vote Labour because they've heard of Oasis and nobody is going to vote Tory because William Hague has got a baseball cap.
I don't have no story. Everybody wants this Hollywood story, but the world don't owe you nothing, man. It's what you owe the world.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?
I started out as an impressionist and that’s all about observing, how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.
I can go to a country song, go right into it and make it sound authentic. And I think that's because of my ear as an impressionist.
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
The time you spend hating on someone robs you of your own time. You are literally hating on yourself and you don't even realize it.
It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
Sometimes faggot is the right word. There's a trend in this country to avoid words: "We can't say that one anymore it's offensive."
They don't make red noses to fit black people. I have a wide nose like a Volkswagen and I have never had a red nose that fitted me.
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.
I'm a decent cook, and I will try to cook anything. My only weakness is that I don't know servings - I only know how to make a lot.
In the world of comedy, there's this: "If it's going badly, get off. If it's going well, get off". You can't argue with that either.
I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.
I find the fact that billionaires are quoted as if the fact that they are billionaires gives them some kind of wisdom is outrageous.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.
Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.
All men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives, trying to create their idea of their masterpiece.
I started out as an impressionist and that's all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.
First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend
Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.
I always try to look at conflicts from as many different angles as is humanly possible, and in a lot of ways there is no one answer.
Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.
Houston people are way cool. They're smart, they know how to have a good time, and they have the hottest chicks on the planet there.
If I could, I would live in Houston, and I would encourage any comic starting out looking for a good place to develop to move there.
Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.
The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun.
Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.
I don't know how effective it is or isn't, but there's something weird about putting cameras on human beings, and talking on camera.
That's what comedy is like: You have to force yourself out in the world because you're always one experience away from new material.
I love standing at a microphone and making a room of people laugh. That's the part of the work I love; everything else is extraneous.
The success of my comedy has been not being afraid to touch on subject matters or issues that everyone else is politically scared of.
Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.
I would never be rude about somebody else in my profession because we all do this same thing. We're just trying to make people laugh.
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?