Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
I resent the creation of a world in which beauty is a reminder of what we're losing rather than a celebration of what we have.
The appropriation of radical thinking by lazy, self-obsessed hippies is a public relations disaster that could cost the earth.
Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
You can't let the good things people say make you feel too good, because you're going to let the bad things make you feel bad.
After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
I was always like that, at 5 years old, just demanding equality. I thought it could all be fixed if you called attention to it.
Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.
I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
I haven't read a newspaper in 20 years. I don't look at the computer or anything. You have to have a filter on what you let in.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.
When did I become a fast-talking Jew? As time went on, my bits started to become longer, and that became part of the signature.
We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
Getting divorced didn't sour me on the institution of marriage. I'll tell you what I'll never do: I'll never get divorced again.
I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.
I sometimes reflect on my own life on stage and no one laughs, but you have to have faith in it and hope that people will laugh.
There's a lot of children that go to bed every night hungry in New York City, and it's shameful. That's really disturbing to me.
In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.
I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.
There are 18,000 police agencies in this country. There's no network requiring them to operate according to the same guidelines.
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."
We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Growing up, I liked all the stuff that everyone else was listening to, like Motown, but the biggest group of all was The Beatles.
This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.
Like bees creating a beehive or ants creating an anthill we're all moving along creating something and we're not sure what it is.
Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.
I think, you know, a lot of the business of comedy is taking your personal experiences and making them relatable to other people.
I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.
I can't do a one-camera show. I don't know how to do that kind of show where you count in your head and then you do the next line.
It's a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.
When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.