Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't want to sound like the old guy, but cynicism is a potential danger. It colors our way of looking at the world.
There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.
Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.
When I started working on 'Michael And Michael,' it was my life for three to four months, and then suddenly it's gone.
When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.
Sometimes I feel I'm being animated, but it comes off differently. Unfortunately, I was cursed with these sleepy eyes.
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.
There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.
Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.
There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
Being a celebrity or anything else where you're really ambitious, it's really a game to see how successful you can get.
I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do!
I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.
Problematic' is one of these meaningless jargon words that people on the internet outrage circles throw at one another.
I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
You know you can't just run and shoot people in the knee-caps with double barreled shotgun 'cause you're pissed at them.
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
I'm not scared of dying, because I'm an atheist. I won't even know I'm dead. You know why? Because I'll be fùckin' dead.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
You can't change what happened. Just like you can't change the future by worrying about it. You just have to keep moving.
Whatever you want to do with your life, you really got to want it. And if you want it, and you work hard, it will happen.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
I would say I try to make my comedy really personal. I try to tell stories that happened to me, experiences from my life.
A lot of times, it seems like social media has devolved into people just yelling at each other and not really conversing.
I started doing standup because of Hugh Grant's best-man speech in 'Four Weddings,' which is basically a standup routine.
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
I don't feel any sense of competition at all, and that might be my naïveté, but I don't feel pitted against anyone at all.
You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.
People's - most people's job is talking about the future or like money not even in the present tense. It's not even paper.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.
Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.
The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.
I used to watch everybody's stuff, but I found I would get slightly influenced by the other comics. I try to avoid it now.
There's only 2 reasons that you hate gay marriage; 1. You're dumb, or 2. You're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.