Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.
If you look at vaudeville in theaters vamping between acts, it was always jokes written and banter in the moment.
I like Portland. It's a cute city. You've got a lot of twirly mustaches and things - I'm into that, the hipsters.
I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.
Everyone gets very excited about the idea of space travel, but... it's not going to be everybody that gets to go.
I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
Thanks to the internet, I buy lots of music, but thanks to my easily distracted nature, I forget about half of it!
I'm lucky because the strongest emotion I have ever felt is being in love, and that definitely informs my writing.
The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.
I'm not ashamed to tell the truth about what happened in my family. I think that's what makes my comedy different.
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
You should really get some quotes about our show. Noah loves when people talk about him. Negatively or positively.
I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.
I've actually been doing stand up for more than 20 years. I started in 1988. It's almost 30 years! Which is crazy.
Who do you think I am, Pete Rose? I don't bet. I come from a long line of compulsive gamblers. Gambling scares me.
I was a class clown. My father was a class clown. My son has been a class clown, and it sort of ran in the family.
I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.
The one thing about comedy, making it become a part of you, the audience loves it, because you become part of them.
That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
I'm relaxed about my career. I've been making movies for over 20 years, so I've earned at least the right to relax.
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.
How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?
It's up to comedians to shine the light on what's wrong in the world, and we don't want things swept under the rug.
Once you understand what excellence is all about... you see how that excellence manifests itself in any discipline.
Kanye is a student of art. He's an art-school-dropout type of kid that will talk about art till the cows come home.
I do feel that whatever happens, it's important to work with great people and do something great. That's how I feel.
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
There are lots of things I could have done for the money, but I've made a great living doing the things I want to do.
When you're blessed, you've got to be sensitive to people that don't have and need to depend on somebody else to eat.
I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
I love 'Trading Places,' but 'Coming to America' has one of the things I like to do - I like the multiple characters.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.
One of the flaws in the American dream is that there isn't as much of a safety net as you may get in other countries.
I am not a cop. Really. I've just been playing one on television so long that people get a little confused sometimes.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.