Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out.
I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.
The only critics who annoy me are the ones who come to my shows even when they're clearly not fans of my work.
Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.
I liked the koala, wallaby, and I chilled with a kangaroo a bit. There was a wombat that I quite enjoyed also.
Steven Wright can do Steven Wright very well. Not everyone can do Steven Wright's jokes with the same results.
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
If I don't die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
I don't know what my Death Row meal would be. I'm surprised that people can even eat when they're on Death Row.
He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
I think the difference between America and Australia is very simple. It's 20 million people versus 350 million.
For me, Mr. T and Donald Trump are the same sort of phenomenon - they're guys with catchphrases and wacky hair.
Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.
To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.
Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong.
My 1974 album 'Mind Over Matter' was a detailed thing about Watergate. I always had some righteous indignation.
I once sat next to Jim from Wild Kingdom on a flight from Atlanta. I find mentioning that opens a lot of doors.
I represent my community, and I represent my people. And I've got to be honest if something seems questionable.
I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
The only reason I did Showtime was Robert De Niro. I definitely consider him to be in the top 5 all time actors.
Being on 'SNL' gives you a unique experience that almost no one else has. It's like Harvard for the comic actor.
If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it's 'so what,' too - it's on to the next movie.
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.
Life is strange. You keep moving and keep growing. Before you know it, you look back and think, "What was that?"
Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.
People for the most part can smell lies, at least I thought that until I saw audiences applaud at Carlos Mencia.
I'll tell you, nobody was more excited than me, in the entire world, that there is a 'Silicon Valley' Funko set.
It happens to people. People ruin things they love! I'm sure the guy who played Jar Jar Binks loved 'Star Wars.'
Larry the Cable Guy has everything: sleeveless shirts, stupid catchphrases. He's Mr. T without the acting chops.
I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.
I've found you don't have to make anything up. Reality is so complex and fascinating and horrible and beautiful.
I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.
Policing of the disabled and how many deaf people get shot by cops is sort of insane. And it's not talked about.
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Comedy will always be central to what I do, it's just an instinct for me, but I am a writer and always have been.
I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.
The mind is the most important thing of the big picture and no one has a stronger mindset than amateur wrestlers.
It's impossible to measure the type of mental strength and determination that's required to be an elite wrestler.
Wikipedia is kind of weird. I feel it's lame to put up my own page, but I desperately want someone else to do it.