Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.
I could go to L.A. for limited amounts of time, but I like New York too much. I like seasons. I like fall.
I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.
The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15.
People are meant to be certain places, and I think I'm meant to be on a sound stage doing situation comedy.
You may have done 20 great shows in a row and come to one, and it doesn't work. You never presume anything.
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
If you're involved in with something that's original, you know, you'll always go back and try to rehash it.
The people I know that have the hardest time keeping it together emotionally are people that don't workout.
The sensory deprivation chamber has been the most important tool that I've ever used for developing my mind
My company is called Talking Monkey, Inc. It's because that's what I think all people are: talking monkeys.
Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that.
I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook.
I won't do reality. That is done. And I don't want people following me around with a camera 24 hours a day.
I wanna say 'China', but I don't really mean 'China.' I just mean the places that Chinese people come from.
I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written
Sympathy for victims is always counter-balanced by an equal and opposite feeling of resentment towards them.
I love my daughter, but there's a certain feeling, a certain emotion when you got a granddaughter, you know?
There's no success story. Everybody's got a ghetto story. You always want to make it bigger than what it is.
I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.
My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.
Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.
My voice was pretty good almost all through Othello. Alexander Technique really helped my posture and focus.
I went to quite a nice school as a kid, where everyone was quite posh, because my dad was making some money.
Who has connections to Connecticut? That's where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.
I mean, I've always had scattered interests, but I never went on stage to get an agent or anything like that
You come there and hang out and have a drink before the show and eat, so it's not that brutal. It's only $6.
People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
The worst thing about being a great power is when you're not one any more. It takes centuries to get over it.
You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
Narcissism really spreads its wings and soars on twitter. It's like watching a dragon hatch and learn to fly.
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.
I've actually phased out the misogynistic jokes because I used to think that everyone knew that I was joking.
People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.
The number one job for me is to make people laugh. If I can also make people think, then that's a cool thing.
I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.
I liked the koala, wallaby, and I chilled with a kangaroo a bit. There was a wombat that I quite enjoyed also
I mean, I've always had scattered interests, but I never went on stage to get an agent or anything like that.
Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.
I don't have a stack of scripts that, when I get home, studios are clamoring, saying, 'Has Bob read ours yet?'
I have no intention of retiring; I can't imagine not doing stand-up. That's where I started and where I'll be.
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.