Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.
The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.
Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'
I was extremely shy and had a terrible fear of public speaking. But I had fallen in love with stand-up.
I was taught the truth will set you free... unless, of course, you want the truth about who killed JFK.
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
I wouldn't consider myself a traditional sitcom actor or someone you'd even think would be in a sitcom.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.
We do all the things we can to essentially brainwash people into liking it before it actually comes out.
Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.
Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That’s all they are.
A lot of times, you beat a person who beat a person who can beat you. I mean, it doesn't make any sense.
I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'
"Gun Control" isn't about guns. It's about control. If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
The Broad research center represents the highest quality model of what Proposition 71 should be funding.
I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.
I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.
I'm not a star, and I don't want to be a star. Stars fall. I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.
He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.
When I started out I was definitely more traditional. It was 1988. Everyone was doing the Jerry Seinfeld.
I moved to New York first and was really apprehensive about moving to L.A., but I really, really like it.
I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
If you see me at a restaurant, blow me a kiss, wave, blow me another kiss, then walk five steps backward.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger.
My family are police officers, detectives. My brother Mitch is FBI. Mitch is like that - a stern enforcer.
I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.
'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' was the best television, the best cast, the best-written television show ever.
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
I only want to do what I really want to do; otherwise, I'm content to sit here and play my guitar all day.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
Build confidence and momentum with each good decision you make from here on out and choose to be inspired.
I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy.
It was really bizarre. I was learning how to be a black guy from a white guy pretending to be a black man.
Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.