Quotes by Stand-Up Comedian of the Authors - Page 17

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I love doing scripted things. What little acting ability I have I am holding on with my hangnails.

I have what we call a 'symphony act.' I'm the only comedian, I think, in the country that does it.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

Yes, OK, farty is a silly word. I wish I'd never used it. I'm 34. Perhaps it was a word for my 20s.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Cell phones have gotten so small, you can't tell who's a cell phone user and who's a schizophrenic.

The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.

Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

I can't tell a story about a working-class family on a premium channel that you have to pay to get.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running.

If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what money is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.

That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.

I think being funny had something to do with feeling like an outsider, not feeling cool - insecurity.

If you do a sketch, that's a very short narrative. Stand-up, it's bit-to-bit, minute-long narratives.

You have to be realistic. Not everyone is going to like you, so you have to focus on the ones who do.

Part of your process of becoming an adult is admitting to yourself that The Doors were a shitty band.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.

You know why they think I'm reclusive? I don't do the Hollywood stuff. I've never been on the circuit.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.

I'm not hurting anybody. Comedy's all about innuendo. I'm putting it out there just like anybody else.

I love, love, love the street-cart food. Gyros are like a meat-flavored fruit roll-up. A meat roll-up.

I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems.

It was great starting in San Francisco. I really think it's is the best place to start in the country.

I've been cast as myself so many times, I guess I should catch on and figure out if it's a compliment.

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