Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm glad you can't talk on your cells while the plane is in the air. That would drive me crazy.
It's kind of hard coming from 'Saturday Night Live,' which is a sketch-driven show, to a movie.
The first eight years of my life, we lived in an abandoned diner - we were basically squatters.
My favorite movie is 'Die Hard.' It doesn't have pinatas and mariachis. It's just a good movie.
When you have a different name, people just kind of take the liberty to spell it how they want.
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.
If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.
I don't think I've ever prayed in my entire life, never sat and had an imaginary chat with God.
I’m afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.
I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.
Living in Pakistan, you didn't have a sense of how huge and varied America was, geographically.
My life is spent in hotels, which tend to be quite disappointing if you're in them every night.
I like to get that roll and pitch. I really like to take the car out on the highway for a spin.
Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.
I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.
I've never been a TV junkie. I remember watching Letterman way back when he had a morning show.
It's a very short walk to go from making jokes to getting on a soapbox and going on a diatribe.
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too.
That's the whole key to anything: Don't be afraid to fail. And Bernie Mac is not afraid to fail.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
Your body's really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.
For all of the lumps and warts of the Satmar community, there are also a lot of beautiful parts.
Having women work with men is like having a grizzly bear work with salmon . . . dipped in honey.
When I was a kid in the '50s, I was very enamored of beatniks and... a kind of dark sensibility.
I want to release another CD this year, finish writing a screenplay, and make another short film
I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked.
Books are the key. A book cannot be accessed from afar. You have to hold it, you have to read it.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
The welfare of our children is our main concern, and their best interests are our first priority.
If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.
Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.
If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.
The key to happiness doesn't lay in numbers in a bank account but in the way we make others feel.
I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.
I want to release another CD this year, finish writing a screenplay, and make another short film.
I probably learned more about Marion Barry listening to Chris Rock than I did reading a headline.
I know Chuck Lorre personally, and am familiar with his work going back to 'Roseanne' and 'Cybil.'
I'm not a classically trained actor. I'm not a product of Stavlovski method or anything like that.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.
I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
I'm not performing anymore. I reveal myself to the audience. I reveal myself. That's the show now.
Comedians second-guessing themselves is scary. Poor taste is not a crime and we can't forget that.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.