Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.
Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
I'm fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.
If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.
Myself and Jamie Moffat did not agree on everything but he always knew I had the experience.
On my left knee I have a long scar from an ACL operation. I've had both knees reconstructed.
There comes a time. The pain of existence transcends the fear of change. There comes a time.
I am that guy who will say things that people seem to think is a little edgy, a little racy.
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.
Flights are a good way to catch up on podcasts, but I'll listen to some jazz to fall asleep.
I think trying to be cool is the worst possible ambition - and I have never suffered from it.
I want to have children, please God, with a woman that I love and that I'm very attracted to.
My first concert makes me sound like a real old man. My very first concert was Jackie Wilson.
Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
Kindness is one of the best gifts you can bestow... We know that inherently that feels great.
I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.
I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
I've always found the world funny and enjoy laughing at it, and that's what all comedians do.
The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them.
Ive still got that little freedom part of me that wants to have a car that looks really sexy.
I was brought up at 3525 Decatur Avenue, in the north Bronx, right next to Woodlawn Cemetery.
Sometimes when you lose you win, son. Failure is just life's way of preparing you for success.
But I really believe that if you have the ability, there is an obligation to make people laugh
The schizophrenic has no sense of humor. His world is a constantly daunting, unfriendly place.
I have an aversion to laugh tracks - the moment I hear a laugh track, I go to another channel.
The first time I heard Richard Pryor, I knew he would be a major force in the world of comedy.
My family doesn't understand trying to chase your dreams because they were all about survival.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.
It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.
A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.
I'll go to church with anyone who's willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me.
You want to talk about the word faggot because it really offends you? Well you're a douchebag.
Just because you saw a vampire doesn't mean that a snowman or a Loch Ness Monster also exists.
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
I like to hold a book. When someone sends me a script, I ask for a hard copy or print one out.
I've still got that little freedom part of me that wants to have a car that looks really sexy.
Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.
It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special.
There's more we can do as a community to try to change what policing looks like in our cities.
The Germans are a cruel race. Their operas last for six hours and they have no word for fluffy.
When it comes to raising children, I believe in give and take. I give orders and they take 'em.
You have to meet all of the challenges, big and small. Because how you start is how you finish.
I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.
I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.