Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
I feel like you could watch 'Grand Budapest' without sound, and it would still be funny.
I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.
"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.
I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
I'm in a whole different part of show business. I'm not even part of Shakespeare in Love.
Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.
We have to start treating each other as if we are treating ourselves living another life.
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians.
My regimen is I wake up, usually around 8:30, brush my teeth, and splash water on my face.
Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century.
Don't live in the past. There's no point. You can't change anything. What a waste of time.
Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
'SNL' is part of my history. I got on the show as a kid. That's the show I got known from.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves
The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what make them crazy.
I don't even know if people even care what a 27-year-old Jewish kid thinks about politics.
One of the most fascinating lessons I've absorbed about life is that the struggle is good.
In order to be truly great at something you have to give into a certain amount of madness.
Anytime we go to a new town I try to book a show. I literally know nothing about the club.
I'm a massive rom-com head! Like, every rom-com in the '90s and early 2000s, I've watched.
When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.
The first time you hear the word "Daddy," I don't care who you are, your heart just melts.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
I'm not afraid to fail. Sometimes when you lose, you win. Sometimes when you win, you lose.
I wasn't much good. When I went into the line on a fake - I would holler 'I don't have it!'
A lot of money is spent trying to keep people alive who don't necessarily want to be alive.
If I'm laughing, you know I'm either very happy or very sad. I cope with things with jokes.
That's what makes a good show. It doesn't target one group. It tells a story everyone gets.
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?
The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.
I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.
It wasn't until I moved to New York that I decided to make a conscious effort to be myself.
Most of my exposure to American pop culture was through this weird prism of 'Mad' magazine.
I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.
I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that.
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.
I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more.
You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.
People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
Somehow, it was so happy a time. Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.