Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You don't mess with Oprah. She has enough money in her left pocket to have me killed.
People do always try to smoke pot with me. But I think some of those people are cops.
You can go slow. Allow your dreams and goals to change, but live an intentional life.
I found the idea of trying to create a show that everyone can enjoy really appealing.
The truth will set you free...unless you want to know the truth about who killed JFK.
I'm not against profanity. It's an important part of the language when used properly.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.
I feel very open with people, and I'm good at disarming them and having conversations.
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.
Look, you're either loved or hated. Which is a good thing, as Bette Davis used to say.
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.
I exercise hard and the reason I do is so that I can earn the things I like to consume.
Suffering is a good teacher. It keeps you in its grip until you've learned your lesson.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
How can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? Hey baby lets dance... cya later!
I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.
If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.
Maybe we can combine 2 things that everybody loves. Helping out the poor and blow jobs.
I stay home. It's the best place to be alone. There is hardly any walk-through traffic.
I've been politically radical my whole life, so when the left attacks, that hurts more.
I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.
TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
Happiness can't start with external stuff, whether that's money or success or your body.
I'm easy to work with, not a pushover, but I respond to criticism and find it inspiring.
The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story
I've never been the type of guy that had a lot of friends or was part of the cool group.
You're just part of the soup of the universe, so just try to enjoy what's good about it.
By putting yourself in that intense form of stress, it makes regular life more peaceful.
If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.
Nobody really knows what they're doing. Some are just better at pretending like they do.
The filming of Shakespeare is always problematic, because he hates posing for the camera
A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.
I'm crass, contemptuous and crude, obstreperous, obnoxious, rambunctiously raw and rude.
I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.
I've been performing stand-up comedy for ten years, it's what I love and will always do.
My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.
When I started, there was no comedy community, no comedy industry; there were comedians.