Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
I’m a comedian who got into movies, so I don’t really think of myself as an actor.
I'm a comedian who got into movies, so I don't really think of myself as an actor.
As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.
People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.
Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night.
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.
If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
Our black president can't say that he's for gay marriage. That is upsetting to me.
I'm a big buffet dude, or I'm a big cheap-food-and-order-more-when-I-need-it dude.
Cancer is a cosmic slap in the face. You either get discouraged or ennobled by it.
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.
I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.
I don't consider myself Jewish. I am half-Jewish by race but not through my mother.
Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, 'Why is that person staring at me?'
I took my portrait that Kaufman did of me home from the Saturday Night Live TV set.
My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?
No matter how successful I got, my mother still thinks I'm a bad person, basically.
No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.
People say life ain't fairlife is very fair. People aren't fairpeople are terrible.
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
I don't ever watch myself. By watching, you try to perfect yourself, become a robot.
I know doing movies is where I need to be. That's where my audience wants to see me.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.
I couldn't afford therapy, so I just watched 'Frasier.' Season 4 was a breakthrough.
Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.
I went to Boston College. It's a Catholic college, yeah I had a nickname there: Jew.
I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.
If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
I do love Instagram, but even if I spend 15 minutes looking at stuff, I feel guilty.
We need a war every 10 years, so we can stay match fit in case the Germans try again.
That's the whole key to anything: Don't be afraid to fail. And is not afraid to fail.
I don't need to pat myself on the back until my arm breaks. I don't need any of that.
The greatest comedian I've ever seen is Jack Benny. He wasn't afraid of the silences.
You're not dead at 85. You're a long way from it. Go out and enjoy. You've earned it.
Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
As you get older, you get different, and I'm a mushier, softer person as I get older.