Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?
Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!
The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
You've got to understand, people are motivated by fun. And they should be.
Only a few good leaders have paused to reflect seriously on being leaders.
The one thing that's terrible about traveling for fun is writing about it.
Write what makes you laugh not what you think will make someone else laugh.
I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.
I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.
I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.
[Al] Franken is left-wing and funny. He's a pretty good political humorist.
I spent a lot of time behind the Iron Curtain, and their cars were abysmal.
The bar is set pretty low if you want to be a hip, accessible conservative.
Raining on parades requires no skill or effort on the part of a politician.
The C student starts a restaurant. The A student writes restaurant reviews.
Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?
9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.
Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
A nation with a goofy foreign policy needs a very serious policy of defense.
There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.
I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him.
Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative.
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.
Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.
Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.
Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.
One of the few benefits of being a journalist is that you're not in the Army.
I was never a Democrat. I went from Republican to Maoist and then back again.
Why can't death - if we must have it - be always glorious, as in 'The Iliad?'
Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.
My 11-year-old thinks I'm cool because he watches things I've made on YouTube.
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.