Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
The very existence of the bicycle is an offense to reason and wisdom.
Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left.
Is Bill Clinton so good at politics, or are other politicians so bad?
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing.
There isn't much room for an outsider point of view in print any more.
Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.
There is no 20-year period in American history when stocks lost money.
Inside every Sancho Panza there's a Don Quixote struggling to get out.
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.
The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Coffee and cigarettes are much better if you want an instant breakfast.
The Harvard Lampoon itself, which had a pretty stellar run in the '60s.
One nice thing about making jokes is that you don't have to prove them.
I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
I assume everyone around me is older because they look more responsible.
You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.
I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person.
Worshiping the earth is more fun than going to church. It's also closer.
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies.
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.
When I get in deep water, I prefer to announce that I'm in over my head.
We've come into the world of '1984,' but it turns out to be '1984'-Lite.
I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.
I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
There's no glory and no respect in making fun of the weak, the powerless.
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.
There's nothing more oily and cynical in politics than telling the truth.
You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.
Dating is the social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion.
Every pleasure you forgoe on Earth is a pleasure you won't get in heaven.
Maybe the real secret to America's greatness is that we hate one another.
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.