Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Being an Olympian is the ultimate test of one's sporting ability.
The Three Branches of Government: Money, Television, and Bullshit
Wealth brings great benefits to the world. Rich people are heros.
There are 1.3 billion people in China, and they all want a Buick.
If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.
Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke.
Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit.
Opinions of language are as interesting as opinions of arithmetic.
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy.
The only time a bachelor's bed is made is when it's in the factory.
Zero-sum thinking is an obsession of mine, but mostly in economics.
Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother.
Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.
I myself am a parent in a small business. Number of employees: one.
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.
A revolution is not an event. It's a process. And it takes its time.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.
It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.
We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race
Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his wife.
When a thing defies physical law, there's usually politics involved.
People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.
The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it.
Fortunately, I'm married to someone who's a pretty excellent parent!
Self-interest leads to honing your skills, the better to trade with.
If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.
Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit.
Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
The only shared reality we have is things we have seen on television.
People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.