Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.
No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey.
Of course, the humans in Haiti have hope. They hope to leave.
Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families.
Guns are the ultimate bulwark against government misbehavior.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.
Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
We are two brothers: I am a doctor; my brother is an engineer.
What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
I think the main thing that has to end is men's defensiveness.
We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.
The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'
Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.
I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.
It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.
I like a lot of wheels. If I could have eight wheels, I would.
How refreshing. A suspect beaten up BEFORE the LAPD showed up.
If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Crazy old people are our entire source of polling information.
Lack of romance is my real objection to writing on a computer.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.
If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.
When you think of the good old days, think one word: dentistry.
Fishing... is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait.
Obama's space policy doesn't differ much from George W. Bush's.
In the Soviet Union, no industry went under until they all did.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
If someone spreads hate then they're not your religious leader.
On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system
Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.
[Michael] Moore doesn't really use his sense of humor that much.
Now, do I think the baby boomers tend to be self-absorbed? I do.
Everybody in the Middle East wants to explain why they're right.
I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom.
I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.
It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.
If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate