Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.
I'm very comfortable with uncomfortable situations, and I think that can seem odd to people, that I like the thrill of discomfort.
Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.
The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.
I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.
Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
America's public schools have served their purpose. Free and compulsory education was good for a somewhat unpromising young nation.
The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants.
Liberals have invented whole college majors - psychology, sociology and women's studies - to prove that nothing is anybody's fault.
Sometimes the right response to evil is an appeal to powerful and effective social organization - an appeal to civilization itself.
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.
If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.
The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'.
Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste and style mixed together so that you don't need any of those things.
In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election
Like Rick in Casablanca: "We'll always have Paris." When what we'll always have is, like, Brooklyn and arguments about [Lev] Trotsky.
In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So, too, in America.
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
It's kinda me and Jon Stewart have a pact together - so he's making me famous in the Western world and I'm making him famous in Egypt!
Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.
Who, other than a crazy person, does anything besides hang up on a robo-call? Any call, any person, anywhere, under any circumstances.
If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.
When Adam Smith was being incomprehensible, he didn't have the luxury of brief, snappy technical terms as a shorthand for incoherence.
Women are successful in the business world because the business world was created by men. Men are babies. And women areGood With Kids.
How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic?
A deadly sins addendum is long overdue. Life has changed since Pope Gregory the Great scribbled his initial list in the sixth century.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
Lampoon was exactly the opposite. The work was a lot of fun, but the office environment was hell. You cannot put 20 humorists together.
When I left the Lampoon, I went west to try that out, and discovered that I hated it.They were awful people turning out awful product .
I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
One thing talk can't accomplish is communication. This is because everybody's talking too much to pay attention to what anyone is saying
It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.
Happy hour is slightly different in the Soviet Union. There are no ice cubes or orange-peel twists in the vodka. Also, it lasts all day.
My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth.
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.