Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to have interesting things to write about. And when one says something is 'interesting,' one almost always means 'bad.'
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
I always think you've just got to move on. If you keep wallowing in the thing that you've done for a while you get a bit stale.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.
You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.
Government does not cause affluence. Citizens of totalitarian countries have plenty of government and nothing of anything else.
There's not a woman in the book, the plot hinges on unkindness to animals, and the black characters mostly drown by Chapter 29.
A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.
Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free.
If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
It is very hard now to shock people into thinking about government regulation and the extent of government involvement in life.
Accuse a person of breaking all Ten Commandments, and you've written the promo blurb for the dust cover of his tell-all memoir.
The budget doesn't have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn't have much control over the budget.
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...
To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
It remains to be seen which program will cause greater societal damage: China's one-child policy or America's one-parent policy.
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.
The people who despise America are the editors of the 'New Statesman.' Their green-card applications must have been turned down.
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
It is very difficult to imagine that you can actually get rid of a dictatorship that has been there for 60 years only in 18 days.
Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?
Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It's impossible to be alive and safe.
Predicting innovation is something of a self-canceling exercise: the most probable innovations are probably the least innovative.
The 18,000 NASA employees are full of galactic talents and abilities and are ready to accomplish whatever they're directed to do.
The laws of the marketplace are physical laws, and they don't become suspended in a crisis any more than the law of gravity does.
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.
Sarcasm all around the world is always against right wing and against people in power. That's the definition of political sarcasm.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.
Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones.
A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
The American political system is like fast food - mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some.
No Americans wants to see somebody lose their house because of health bills. Their boat? Maybe. Maybe the boat. But not the house.