Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I pity Americans for their very bad fruits. Your 'mango' is cucumber. The only thing I really miss about Egypt is mangoes.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
People say free trade causes dislocation. In actual fact, it's the lowering of trade barriers that causes the dislocation.
Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.
I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about.
Moviemakers are rewarded with tax write-offs if, when seeking a location that looks like America, they seek it in America.
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.
Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan.
Political stuff is all about his [Hunter S. Thompson] reaction to a situation. And my stuff is much more externally driven.
Even the most left-wing politicians worship wealth creation - as the political-action-committee collection plate is passed.
In the language of politics, there is only one translation for the phrase 'hope and change,' to wit: 'big, fat government.'
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.
Politicians are wonderful people as longa as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
If you get outside the world of show business and its satellites, there's a whole world of car nuts in the Los Angeles area.
I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.
I had a confused early hippie phase, which was like a cafeteria tray of sloppy, semi-Marxist thoughts, absorbed second-hand.
We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter.
I have no idea if some societies, anthropologically speaking, aren't really suited for democracy. I don't think that's true.
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
There is still an element of the BBC that feels it is somehow wrong, or it will be open to criticism, if it makes more money.
I always tell people that a revolution is not an event, it's a process. It is a struggle. And it doesn't usually go smoothly.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
What about snipers?" I once asked someone. He said, "Oh, most of the snipers have automatic weapon. They arent very accurate.
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point.
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.
We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.
Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.
I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.