Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
Hunter S. Thompson brings a lunatic genius to ordinary events, and I bring an ordinary sensibility to lunatic events.
Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.
Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact.
China is trying to become America without democracy while America is trying to become France without cheese calories.
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.
[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?
Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free - indeed, sanctimonious - way for "progressives" to be racists.
Cats possess so many of the same qualities as some poeple that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.
You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.
No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works.
There's such a self-conscious balance that goes into television. Also, these are not people that think things through.
I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?
The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad.
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs.
We Americans, who invented traffic, are always being startled by the forms into which it has evolved around the world.
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet.
The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots.
The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.
The purpose of the Senate is to keep 100 middle aged knuckleheads out of the private sector where they can do real harm.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.
It is very depressing to see that in the 21st century people are still using the same 1950s and '60s style of propaganda.
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.
To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day.
Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
There's something inherently comic about the fact that politicians make things worse by worrying too much about something.