Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did that work?
A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.
Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
Apparently Bolivia is the key source of lithium in the world. So we're gonna trade the Saudis for the Bolivians.
As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.
There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.
We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
African famine is not a visitation of fate. It is largely man-made, and the men who made it are largely Africans.
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.
My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid.
Democrats hate America being a world power because world power gives power to the nation instead of to Democrats.
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
I'm a bit of a political geek anyway, so you tend to write how you think the rhythms of an administration will go.
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.
The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.
We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.
Any trade that is voluntarily made is mutually beneficial, by definition, and, indeed, is balanced, by definition.
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them.
Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered.
America gives every appearance of being a nation besotted with trashiness - divorce, illegitimacy, casual Fridays.
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.
After the events of the 20th century, God, quite reasonably, left Europe. But He's still here in the United States.
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
People would believe propagate, spread rumors or conspiracy theories in order to protect their own system of denial.
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.
Violence is interesting. This is a great obstacle to world peace and also to more thoughtful television programming.
It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.
If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.
Soccer matches should be something special, something people eagerly look forward to, something that brightens life.
The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.'
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.