Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.
Never do anything to a clitoris with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an expensive waterproof wristwatch.
Because of their cuisine, Germans don't consider farting rude. They'd certainly be out of luck if they did.
Normally, the job sucks but work is kinda fun, because you see your friends and flirt with girls and stuff.
That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.
On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.
Southern California is a nice place, if you could cut out the show-business cancer. It just keeps spreading.
How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?
We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life because life is pretty foolish as far as I can tell.
Whereas Rolling Stone, I just never had anything to do with them. I'd stop by the office maybe twice a year.
Detroit is beautiful - though you probably have to be a child of the industrial Midwest, like me, to see it.
As murderous industrial magnates go, Alfred Nobel is right up there with Ray Kroc, franchiser of McDonald's.
Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal
Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.
The idea of a world where all people are alike - in wealth or in anything else - is a fantasy for the stupid.
The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics.
Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let's hope so.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
I was accused of insulting the president, insulting Islam, insulting - spreading rumors, disturbing the peace.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.
Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.
Excessive speed and quantity are, like chattiness and digression, besetting sins of cyber-assisted authorship.
When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money.
I find it an easy way into writing pieces is to think what the character's voice is like, and start from there.
Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.
Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
The dominant type of humor in the '60s was essentially defensive and self-deprecating, using humor as a shield.
Obama, in pursuit of power, has been as greedy and irresponsible as any Wall Street tycoon in pursuit of money.
I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
I heard that after you throw away a 'New York Times,' it takes over a hundred years for the lies to biodegrade.
Satire has its limits. It is really up to the people to make the change. The satirist's role ends at the screen.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.