Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The most futuristic aspect of the House of the Future was that it was made almost entirely of plastic.
In a free country, government is a dull and onerous responsibility. It is a parent-teacher conference.
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?
If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.
Although computer-generated artificial intelligence eludes us, artificial stupidity has been perfected.
Bill Maher can be pretty good, except when he gets "important." Maher's all over the place politically.
What Enron was doing, what caused investors to embrace it in a rapture of baffled awe, was hiding debt.
Once you've built the big machinery of political power, remember you won't always be the one to run it.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.
Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.
Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention.
Maybe a vague president and an incompetent and somewhat corrupt administration is what the nation needs.
Wearing a hat implies that you are bald if you are a man and that your hair is dirty if you are a woman.
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.
The 1960s was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a T-shirt.
The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon.
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'
The motorcycle is a device created by the team of God and Darwin to rid the world of useless young males.
The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race.
The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.
Microeconomics is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money the government is out of.
Everybody in America who didn't come over the Bering Strait ice bridge stole his land from somebody else.
War expands government powers. The trouble is that, when the war goes away, the government powers do not.
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
Popular culture has become engorged, broadening and thickening until it's the only culture anyone notices.
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.
Call a man 'ignorant,' and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.