Quotes by Satirist of the Authors - Page 14

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I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

Smoking crack is a way for people who couldn't afford college to study the works of Charles Darwin.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

Harvard has been almost as important to the American Jewish community as the pork-sausage industry.

When politics are used to allocate resources, the resources all end up being allocated to politics.

The wonder is that communism lasted so long. But then again, modern poetry lasted a long time, too.

Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty.

I don't even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I've never used a computer.

Whenever people tell you they are going to wipe the slate clean, it's your slate they mean to wipe.

I'm 61 years old. I'm not that fearful of the future, period. I'm not going to see that much of it.

Arguing, in the sense of attempting to convince others, has gone out of fashion with conservatives.

America's grossly unfair tax system won't lead to class war. Or, if it does, the war will be brief.

Californians devised a system of electricity sales that ignored every dimension of the free market.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.

Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.

Some women want the strong silent type, so they can tell him to shut up and rearrange the furniture.

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.

People have a right to my food, a right to my housing, and a right to my good job for my decent pay.

I'm not a tech-savvy parent. I communicate with my children via the old-media format called yelling.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

A world government run by the UN will be like getting an old, purblind, half-deaf substitute teacher.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

In theory, taxes should be like shopping. What I buy is government services. What I pay are my taxes.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.

Chinese economic development has cost many American workers their jobs. That's the price of progress.

'You're stupid,' is not something even his most severe critics usually say to President Barack Obama.

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

I can go back to Egypt anytime I want. Can I leave Egypt anytime I want? I think I can. I think I can.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything!

We like to pile language on language. Hunter [ S. Thompson] was an influence on me, no doubt about it.

I don't think anybody's really been successful with theorizing about value or creating a price theory.

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