Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.
We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.
If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.
I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.
I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.
I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.
What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.
A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.
Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.
Those who do not know history are probably also not doing well in English or math. P.J. O'Rourke
The question nowadays is not what makes government work. The question is how do we make it stop.
In case we have to shoot Democrats. It happened during the Civil War, and it could happen again.
I think that humor has become a principle means of communication among Americans about politics.
We all know the types who listen to Pete Seeger songs; even Pete admits they aren't interesting.
I knew Hunter Thompson since the '70s, and I loved him, but he would wear me out as I got older.
My life would have gone along perfectly well, politically speaking, if it hadn't been for girls.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.
If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?
People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.
We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.
Haitians weren't screwed-up, but everything political, intellectual, and material around them is.
Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.
I always thought there was some romance to that '30s leftist stuff, even though I'm a Republican.
There are two factors in American politics that may seem strange to Europeans: race and religion.
In its worse forms, conservatism is a matter of 'I hate strangers and anything that's different.'
People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today,' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.'
You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.
I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.
I chose the Egyptian dream: the dream to make a TV show, and then be called an infidel by the end.
They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.
I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.
The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.
Who does Bill Clinton think got off the boat and stepped on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?
God has no role to play in politics except to make sure politicians go where they belong. To hell.
Infant mortality and life expectancy are reasonable indicators of general well-being in a society.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.
I never thought of myself as a comedian. That is a label - make me laugh. I want to make you think.