Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Detroit's industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching.
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living.
Fashionably amusing table manners are a matter of breaking the right rule at the right time.
Not much was really invented during the Renaissance, if you don't count modern civilization.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
Any president's second term ends up being quite messy. It never goes quite according to plan.
The last thing I want to do is use my comedy as a partisan tool or as a method for preaching.
Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.
Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.
I've decided that my motto in life is "Get off my lawn." It's the right answer to everything.
I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.
Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.
I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!
The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.
Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
I'm old enough to remember when the air over American cities was a lot dirtier than it is now.
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.
Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
Russians not only vehemently despise blacks, they believe Africa begins at the Ukraine border.
Art Nouveau got its inspiration from nature. The Bauhaus got its inspiration from engineering.
You're never going to read 'The Wealth of Nations,' and you shouldn't, really. It's 900 pages.
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
Never underestimate the intelligence of the audience; make good programmes, and they will come.
I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!
I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.
The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.
There are no kinder or better people in the world than those who listen to you when you are 18.
People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs.
I spent almost 25 years as a foreign correspondent, and the world's primary problem is poverty.
In the wake of Animal House, the stock briefly and quite wrongly shot up. So I love that movie.