Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Until I carried my wife off to New Hampshire, she defined wilderness as the Bronx.
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.
You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
I believe that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business... my business!
Globalization is simply opening the free marketplace to encompass the entire world.
What would be a road hazard anywhere else, in the Third World is probably the road.
Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.
Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.
Simply because something is a populist movement doesn't make it either good or bad.
As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.
A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."
The Dark Satirist, like the Dark Knight - that could be a good name for a superhero.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.
Just as some things are too strange for fiction, others are too true for journalism.
The 20th century was a test bed for big ideas - fascism, communism, the atomic bomb.
The Bible is very clear about one thing: Using politics to create fairness is a sin.
Mikhail Gorbachev was the Jimmy Carter of the Communist bloc. The Russians hate him.
Governments have monopolies on certain things, like eminent domain and deadly force.
A 'farm' today means 100,000 chickens in a space the size of a Motel 6 shower stall.
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones.
'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.
Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.
Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
You don't despair about something like the Middle East, you just do the best you can.
The beauty of democracy is that an average, random, unremarkable citizen can lead it.
Just because a subject is serious doesn't mean it doesn't have plenty of absurdities.
Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines.
In thirteen years, every aspect of the universe can change - ask a thirteen-year-old.
All business is capitalistic. You require capital for any sort of business endeavour.
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.
I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.
A person has got to balance work and life and family in order to be a balanced person.
Some people think that welfare reform should have hurt Bill Clinton with black voters.
Politics is - once in a while - a forum for serious debate about political philosophy.
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.