Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I suppose the human race is doing the best it can but hells bells thats only an explanation its not an excuse.
Silence is said to be golden, but the best fools the world has ever produced had nothing to say on the subject
Zoroaster said, when in doubt abstain; but this does not always apply. At cards, when in doubt take the trick.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
It AIN'T so much the things we don't know that get us into trouble. It's the things we know that just ain't so.
Friendship is like earthenware, once broken, it can be mended; love is like a mirror, once broken that ends it.
The hardest thing any man can do is to fall down on the ice when it's slippery, and get up and praise the Lord.
Seneca devoted much of his time to writing essays in praise of poverty, and in lending money at usurious rates.
If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway.
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.
Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.
There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4,892.
You throw a perfectly straight line at the audience and then, right at the end, you curve it. Good jokes do that.
It is one thing to choose to go into a hospice; it's another thing to get on the air and tell everybody about it.
In my dream world gay people in America would get the right to marry, and not a one of them would use that right.
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with.
When you're surrounded by people who share the same set of assumptions as you, you start to think that's reality.
Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.
In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money cannot buy...to wit--the wag of a dog's tail.
The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.
Plenty of folks are so contrary that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating upstream.
I don't never have any trouble in regulating my own conduct, but to keep other folks' straight is what bothers me.
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.
It would be a colorless world if each individual did not secretly believe himself superior to almost everyone else.
If you would make yourself agreeable wherever you go, listen to the grievances of others but never relate your own.
Waves are inspiring not because they rise and fail, but because each time they fall. They never fail to rise again.
I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.
Most of the people living in New York have come here from the far to try to make enough money to go back to the farm
The vulgar herd catches at the gross apparent fact, but the man of insight knows what lies on the surfaces does lie.
The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.
Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Most of my work is, I get an idea, and, with the help of Wikipedia, I can write. I don't have to leave my apartment.
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
The most pleasant and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the universe for God to worry about.
What the world wants iz [sic] good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.
...But why discourse Upon the Virtues of the Horse? They are too numerous to tell Save when you have a Horse to Sell.
The trouble with the public is that there is too much of it; what we need in public is less quantity and more quality.
One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.
A man running for office puts me in mind of a dog that's lost-he smells everybody he meets, and wags himself all over.
Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.