Quotes by Humorist of the Authors - Page 11

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I never question a success, any more than I do the right of a bulldog to lie in his own gateway.

Life is like a mountain: after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.

It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start.

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."

I found the pearl of the Orient slightly less exciting than a rainy Sunday evening in Rochester.

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered.

I've wasted a lot of time pretending to be interested in people who weren't terribly interesting.

Man is my brother, and I am nearer related to him through his vices than I am through his virtue.

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.

Experience is a grindstone; and it is lucky for us, if we can get brightened by it, and not ground.

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they actually can't tell the truth without lying.

Fuss is half-sister to hurry, and neither of them can do anything without getting in their own way.

As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for.

We have some writers so abstruse and deep that they drown themselves in their fathomless sentences.

It has been my observation and experience, and that of my family, that nothing human works out well.

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

When a man gets talking about himself, he seldom fails to be eloquent and often reaches the sublime.

Advice can be like cod liver oil, easy enough to administer but not so pleasant to take for anybody.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don't change diapers in midstream.

A slander is like a hornet; if you cannot kill it dead at the first blow, better not to strike at it.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

Writing a book of poetry is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.

[T]he German censorship forbade or mutilated my every book, which was like sticking pins into my soul.

It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

The quickest way to take the starch out of someone who is always blaming himself is to agree with him.

The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.

The Puritans came to America to worship in their way and to force everybody else to do the same thing.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

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