Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.
I'm not on a diet. And it's funny cause people go 'Well, then why do you drink diet soda?' So I can eat regular cake.
I see a lot of nice hotels, but I never really get to enjoy the cities, because I have to be on a plane the next day.
I love Australia. First of all, everyone is so nice. The people are down to Earth, and they like having fun with you.
You can make one (self-contained self-rescuer) that would last all day, but you'd have to carry it behind in a wagon.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
It's because you alienate half the room talking about sports. Half the crowd will be against you no matter what you say.
I think people pick up on that. You use personal stuff and mix it all in - I definitely pull on that stuff in my acting.
I'm healthy, I have beautiful children and a beautiful life. I don't want to go toward negative stuff because I'm scared.
That was the challenge. How can you tell the story here and make sure it goes the same way on the other side of the world?
I grew up pretty much entertaining myself. So I know what its like to be in a room by myself and having fun with something.
There was a period where I stopped auditioning because I was like, 'I don't have the heart.' There's just so much rejection.
Well, like I said, there's no reason everyone can't have a piece of the pie, even if there's a gordo there eating most of it.
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
I was very dirty; I was a very dirty comic. There was no way I would have gotten on TV with the act I had when I first started.
The nice thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.
Sometimes a fan comes up to me, and I'm really interested in how they're acting, so I'll study them and use that in my material.
The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
Best advice, bro: Think big. Don't think small. If you think small, then you're going to stay small. Think (about) the broad scope.
I used to watch 'SNL' when I was babysitting, after I put the kids to bed. It was the Gilda Radner and Bill Murray era. I loved it.
I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.
In real life, I always look at people and how they walk, or how they carry themselves. I think about the body a lot, in performance.
I was a big fan of Rodney Dangerfield. He had this HBO Young Comedians Special and he'd always bring up new talent, and I loved that!
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
I used to want to be the black dude in 'The Last Dragon.' I wanted to be Ralph Tresvant from New Edition - I thought he was super cool.
We know grooming is important for people. To get their hair done, to get makeup and things like that - that makes a person feel better.
I think that being a mother, you would do anything for your children. Their pain is your pain; if they're in pain, you feel their pain.
I do make a conscious effort to not repeat old patterns, instead of being like, But they don't want me! I haven't always been that way.
I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.
I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.
I think things get a lot better after high school. I think the ones that struggle during that time tend to have better experiences after.
When a man says he wants to meet a girl with a sense of humor, he means one who will laugh at everything he says while her breasts jiggle.
When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.
I have no talent when it comes to pianos or guitars or any of that, even karaoke. For karaoke, I have to be wasted to get up there and sing.
Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated.
I've definitely read stuff that I've been offered, where I've been like, "I can't do this. I think somebody would be better in this than me."
My sister really drooled a lot when she was younger. For her wedding, I was going to get her one of those lace drool cups that go around the ears.
I learned early on, stay away from politics, stay away from religion and don't talk about sports. Those three right there will get you in trouble.
I try not to get political, I don't want to get religious, I don't want to get controversial, I just want to have a show that relates to everybody.
I consider my comedy to be dramatic comedy. I always wanted music underscoring the dramatic monologue. It was always drama with comedy, in my head.
I think in show business, it's really kind of easy to perpetuate that feeling of, like, Oh, I don't measure up. Or always having to prove yourself.
I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.
People see a big dude and they hear that high pitched voice or "Eglasias with an 'I'" and love it because they can relate and go "I know that person!".
One paper says I'm Catholic and the other says I'm Jewish. I guess that's fitting because as a Methodist I'm meant to be undetermined some of the time.
I guess I have a positive attitude about divorce because I have some friends who've gotten divorced, and I'm like, 'Well, if it's better, then - good!'
Stand-up is not just an American thing anymore. It's global. In some places, stand-up comedy is brand new. South Africa has only had a scene for 15 years.