Quotes by Comic Strip Creator of the Authors - Page 4

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If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.

Psychology is the only necessary skill for running for president. Trump knows psychology.

You can go through comic strips alone and study the common man. You can trace our history.

My soul may be returned to the heavens but my heart will remain with you for all eternity.

People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

Yeah, I don't deal with current events or pop culture, and I avoid politics like the plague.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?

If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

For me, my travels have been the chance to go to a place that already exists in my imagination.

When I write 'Beetle Bailey,' I can always do jokes about him being lazy, and everyone gets it.

This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else.

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there

Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.

Success is entirely accessible, even if you happen to be a huge screw-up 95 percent of the time.

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

I don't like hawking 'round other people's memories. That wasn't part of the deal when I was born.

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

The safe and cultural method of eating crackers in bed is to wear a diver's suit instead of pajamas.

The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.

Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.

The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.

Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.

The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the

The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

We're going to have the same demographic spread of nutcases and the same spread of everybody in between.

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.

I have an endless stream of suggestions coming in from readers who are in cubicles. That keeps me going.

I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are.

Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.

The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.

Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.

If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.

'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom.

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