Quotes by Comedienne of the Authors - Page 5

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I'm the co-chair of the PTA at my kids' school, Ashmount Primary, in north Islington, London.

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

If there's one thing I know, it's this - everybody thinks somebody else is having a better life.

Some of the most gifted people I've ever met or read about are homosexual. How can you knock it?

I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it.

I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

I really enjoyed doing the voice of Nose Marie on the cartoon series Pound Puppies. Fun, FUN cast.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I really learned the power of the tube on Sesame Street and how it can influence a very young mind.

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

Around 7 years old, we girls took dancing lessons, joined the Brownies, the Girl Scouts, the 4H Club.

Don't take criticism personally; take from it what's useful. Apply it and move on to something better.

I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My nephews all look at me differently now. Before, they couldn't relate to me, and now I'm like a god.

Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I'm naturally quite lazy, and I actually think I'm lax about my career. None of my work defines who I am.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.

Children internalize their parents' unhappiness. Fortunately, they absorb our contentment just as readily.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

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