Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
If one's honest about it, spending time in a car with children is pretty ghastly.
There is an inherent tolerance and kindness in the state school teenagers I know.
I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.
A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
No one got anywhere by being too scared to open their mouth in case nobody laughed.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
When not eating, I like shopping; although I'm afraid I've become a bit of a cliche.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
I would like it to be a legal requirement for all businesses to be linked to a charity.
Nothing prompts creativity like poverty, a feeling of hopelessness, and a bit of panic.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
At my core, the glass isn't half-empty, it's not even what I ordered in the first place.
Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
The real me now may not be thin but she's got the cake and, if she likes, can eat it too.
If you have any power at all from being popular, then you have a duty to help people out.
At my core, the glass isn't half-empty - it's not even what I ordered in the first place.
When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Does everyone turn into a truculent thirteen-year-old when they go home, or is it just me?
Society prizes a girl for being thin more than anything else she might bring to the table.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
My dad was a diplomat and after living in America, where I was born, he was posted to Cairo.
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?
Women's Lib? Oh, I'm afraid it doesn't interest me one bit. I've been so liberated it hurts.