Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People either have comedy or they don't. You can't teach it to them.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.
In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Don't stink up the place with bad acting, if an opportunity comes your way.
Luck? Luck is hard work - and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I've realised I need a gnawing, nagging, anxious doubt when I wake at 4 A.M.
That's the poisoned chalice: when you're shy, people assume you're arrogant.
I was not a 'Doctor Who' fan. As a kid, I thought it was scary and for boys.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
I can't write about my greatest mistakes because I've slept with most of them.
My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Sending your child off to school for the first time in their life is terrifying.
Whether we're prepared or not, life has a habit of thrusting situations upon us.
I wanted to get out of the pictures and stay home so that I could have children.