Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
The funnier the material, the funnier I could make it.
Despotism isn't nearly as bad as it's cracked up to be.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
Although I was a shy child, I was also a bit flamboyant.
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Happiness is getting a brown gravy stain on a brown dress.
I had to give myself permission to act, then others agreed.
It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.
Television is the quickest form of recognition in the world.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.
I can laugh on cue, and it sounds real. People laugh with me.
My parents' generation's benchmark was simple: Fat Equals Bad.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
I cry at everything, even the length of the queue at Sainsbury's.
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
I like doing both TV and live stuff, though it's nice to mix it up.
Acting isn't a singular profession, it is a collaborate profession.
They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.
Love yourself first and the rest of your life will fall into place.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
I believe that we're as happy in life as we make up our minds to be.