Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
[Washington] is the political capital. It's essentially a big office.
It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
To support policies that dehumanise others is to dehumanise yourself.
Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
I have a really nice step ladder, sadly, I never knew my real ladder.
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Diana Ross saw me on Merv Griffin and hired me to be her opening act.
You can't deny the truth. And that's what makes smart comedy so good.
I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'
We're our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.
Silence does not equal patriotism. Obedience is not the American way.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."
If any job should give you a company car, it's the car bomb business.
It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'
You know what Ken Lay had for breakfast this morning? Shredded Wheat.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.
I have always had a need for attention but didn't plan to be a comic.
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?
Perfection would be something that you see in 'Architectural Digest.'