Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I guess ultimately a lot of comedians just wanna be taken seriously.
I think politics have gotten vulgar and we comedically portray that.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
People want to be friends with someone who likes to have a good time.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
I'm from the streets of New York. I know what tough talk sounds like.
Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.
I don't like labels. I have always fought against that as a stand-up.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.
What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.
Mistakes are just 'mis-takes,' or an action that we took that missed.
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
March Madnesss...the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'
You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.
The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy
I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.
My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.
No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
Sometimes when you play music, you start thinking, "This is rocking!"
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
I grew up thinking that if I wanted to go be prime minister, I could.
As a kid, I used to go to the library and take out all the art books.
There are very few solid family films. A lot of the writing is awful.
She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
I didn't do very well academically; I was always in the bottom class.
I think after doing a few shows now, people are ready to put me down.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss.
I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.