Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
I like to keep busy, because otherwise I'd be languishing by myself.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.
Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
The Republicans do not have feeling for people who are in bad shape.
I don't understand why you would want to watch someone giving birth.
There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.
Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
Having an enemy that is visible out in the daylight is a good thing.
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
One of the difficult things of so much travelling is to say goodbye.
I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
Making a film is beyond exciting. It's so exciting, it's exhausting.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.
The adage 'a family that prays together, stays together' is so true.
I would much rather be someone with high self-esteem and less funny.
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.
Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
I'm tired of cookie-cutter monolithic representation of black folks.
He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.
The best part about stand-up is that you control everything. Period.
As long as I have a good time, the audience usually has a good time.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
I don't do much lying in real life because I don't get away with it.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
How we treat the vulnerable is how we define ourselves as a species.
A personality for the incredibly beautiful can be a pointless cargo.
I'm the only actress in Hollywood who didn't pay to have these lips.
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
I did once have a MySpace site but it was like a badly tended grave.
I don't even have a stalker. I'm just not the guy that people stalk.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
As a culture, I think we need to redefine what it means to be happy.
Facing my own death brought an instant sense of clarity and purpose.
Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.
Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.
An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor, I can play anything.