Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.
I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.
Life is great and golf has been one of the great parts of it for me.
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?
A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his martini.
Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.
You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.
I actually really do meditation and then I spend my morning reading.
The way certain men treat women is influenced by the Internet a lot.
Nothing can stop anyone who has a love and passion about their work.
People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
The worst thing in this business is to be thought of as a no-talent.
I just feel like content is content; people want to see it resonate.