Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Some people are passionate about aisles, others about window seats.
I'm a good cook; one of my specialities is reindeer and potato pie.
Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!
It's the fine balance of caffeine and alcohol that bookends my days
I can make rhymes. My style of writing is kind of childlike anyway.
I just always thought 'Groundhog Day' was potentially a great idea.
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
I'm an American, I don't have to see something to know it's stupid!
My mother never stagnated in a place where she said, I have it all.
Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.
If a topic hits me, I'll start going on it. But you can't force it.
Most of my childhood is a big blur, 'cause I needed better glasses.
I often don't think a lot about the ramifications of anything I do.
I'm a Cancer; I'm music passionate. I like long walks on the beach.
I'm a Cancer; I'm music-passionate. I like long walks on the beach.
Falling in love is a chemical reaction. But it wears off in a year.
I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.
Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He's very, very busy.
When the question is either/or, the answer is almost alwaysboth/and.
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
I feel like I'm wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn't hurt my CD collection.
It just seems like the culture war is over, and the gay kissers won.
I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'
Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
I'm grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make.
Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.
When yer in a funk, people in love are a royal pain in the patookus.
I grew up half in South Central and half in the San Fernando valley.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
I feel like women are frequently seen as guests in the comedy world.
I'd never be tied down for five years interviewing TV personalities.
Traditionally nerd-based culture is now a big sector of pop culture.
I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!