Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My great-grandfather was a variety hall comedian called Billy Mack.
Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
Los Angeles: where dreams go to make movies about themselves dying.
If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.
It's important to feel beautiful; it's political to feel beautiful.
I think sex is really about the self, and really a self-reflection.
It's always the compliments from people you love that mean so much.
Choosing whom you love is the most political decision you can make.
I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice.
It's not a model if it's full-scale, Tomkinson, it's an icebreaker.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
You know Moms has been accused of liking young men, and I'm guilty.
Women have everything they want, and they've never been so unhappy.
Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?
Some people just want to make up the funny things and play pretend.
I think you gotta look at stuff half-full as opposed to half-empty.
I call myself 'Christ-leaning,' but that's primarily psychological.
If you can see the handwriting on the wall... you're on the toilet.
I've been taking pictures of wherever I go, or on planes, whatever.
I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing.
I think it's important to hold a mirror up to society and yourself.
Stupidity without malice isn't horrible; some people can't help it.
Stephen Merchant looks like a Muppet. I mean, he looks like Beaker.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I'd rather sink with my own vision than float with somebody else's.
Every kid should sit in the velvet at least once in their lifetime.
Our social and economic systems are so devoid of humanity and love.
I just assume a lot of people hate me. You just have to suck it up.
I'm one of the people who actually laughs at everyone else's jokes!
Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.
Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are.
I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.
I honestly don't love the Cheech and Chong movies, I've got to say.
We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.