Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""
Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.
Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
I think there are people living in Walmart dressed up as employees.
If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I was the same kind of father as I was a harpist - I played by ear.
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I think being a dad is scary. I mean, I'm not that grown-up myself.
My only agenda is trying to make you laugh and say something smart.
One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny.
Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?
Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.
Well, audiences will laugh at a lot of things that comedians won't.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
The internet is a total inversion of television. It's the opposite.
I don't like thinking too much about the future - it freaks me out.
If I ever move back to Canada, it'll be because I'm terminally ill.
You think Trump cares if you leave? He wants power, not prosperity.
I highly recommend reading the book 'Confessions Of A Video Vixen.'
So many funny things happen to me everyday I should have a TV show.
My big influences are piano artists like Billy Joel and Elton John.
I was scared into being good. But I'm sure I did regular kid stuff.
I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT CRITICS, LIKE I SAID THEY DONT BUY TICKETS.
Youve got to take advantage of those guys outside. Its frustrating.