Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I see myself as a comic but the acting helps sell tickets for gigs.
My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.
When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
He's very, very well-known. I'd say he's world-famous in Melbourne.
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.
I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.
I'm not a big reality show fan, because I just think it's too fake.
If I'm screaming at someone, it's because I think they're an idiot.
I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I'm doing the best I can.
Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.
The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.
They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.
I have a home in Orlando. That's kind of my default "getaway" city.
I have a home in Orlando. That's kind of my default 'getaway' city.
Laughter kills lonesome. It's one of the great things in our lives.
I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
I am a freelancer. My services are available to anyone at any time.
Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.
A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
Whoever invented double clicking should be shot in the head! Twice!
I like really good movies, but I can enjoy a really bad movie, too.
The Highlander was a documentary, and events happened in real time.
There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.
I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
There is no I in Team, unless you count the vertical part of the T.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?
I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.
What happens to Black Folks today, happens to White Folks tomorrow.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
Life has a very simple plot: first you're here and then you're not.
What Democrats call 'nuanced,' most people refer to as 'stupidity.'
What Democrats call 'nuanced', most people refer to as 'stupidity.'
Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.
If I could marry my motorcycle, I'd roll her right up to the altar.